Waiting for death is not easy

Arjun in hospital

I know it has been a while since I have blogged but the past few months have been pretty horrific; my Instagram @mommaupnorth has documented the majority of our journey.

It was only a few months ago that I sat with Arjun in hospital after he had been rushed in from school; vomiting blood, the medical term being ‘coffee granules’. Why? Because when there is a bleed in the stomach, the acid works its’ chemical magic to solidify the blood to resemble percolated coffee granules. In layman terms ‘congealed blood’. This was not the most alarming event, it was the sudden hyperthermia, his temperature had dramatically dropped to 33 degrees, which in essence meant that his brain was shutting down, therefore triggering a shut down in his vital organs.

He was dying.

After 14 years this is the closest we have been to losing him since the first few days after his birth, this was the first time doctors asked us to be ‘prepared’ for the worst. I cannot even begin to explain my emotions. I sat on the bed cuddled up to his frozen body, feeling him slip away in my arms. He was grey. We were alone.

Within hours we were blue lighted to Martin House Children’s Hospice, with the girls following in another car behind us ( Jill our Carer; our saviour).

Sisters saying goodbye to Arjun as he is blue lighted to the hospice

It was pretty remarkable his recovery, the doctors were astounded that his body had fought back, fought back to stay alive. Arjun was not ready to leave us just yet. By the time my husband had arrived at the hospice some 4 hrs later Arjun was recovering, whilst I had been taken to the brink, my emotions were in a place deeper than despair, a place I had only imagined in my head. For the first time, I truly believed he was dying.

His death is a cloud on the horizon waiting to come in. Keeping myself busy so I will not think about the impending cloud that is on the horizon waiting to come in like a hanging cliff edge with my white knuckles screaming for release. A great time is spent consumed within this darkness with the intensity that is the uncertainty of Arjun, more so as it was only 48 hrs later that he became ill and this time it was much closer to his death.

 

Read what happened next ; coming soon.